General Alarm At Major Blunder Exposing Our Privates

EDITORIAL WEDNESDAY 100210
Dateline 2020. The War between the United States Of Australia and the People’s Republic of China was one of the briefest in history. Australian soldiers defending against the invading Chinese were unable to make best use of their American built tanks and European helicopters, as the enemy were miraculously well informed as their every move. Army insiders claim that it was baffling how the enemy seemed to have intelligence so accurate that it was as if they were at the briefings in person. Then, in the limited skirmishes when Australian forces did actually engage the enemy, our men and women found themselves caught short as their combat fatigues began to mysteriously disintegrate. Department of Defence authorities were at a loss to explain this phenomenon, with a spokesman, Wing Commander Richard Puller explaining that the fabric was manufactured with a top secret technology making it impervious to Chinese bullets.

In urgent need of replacement uniforms, Australian soldiers were further distressed to learn that no new garments were available as supply lines from the manufacturer had been disrupted by hostilities. Defeated, demoralized, and damn near naked, the Australian Army had no choice but to surrender when their privates got entangled in their American body armour. It was only then that the awful truth became known. The war had been lost as a direct result of a lunatic decision back in 2010 to cut costs by importing the camouflage uniforms from a Chinese manufacturer.

The People’s Republic Of China is a country which may have severe deficiencies in the area of human rights and justice, but they do have a firm grasp of the concept of national security. When offered the opportunity to manufacture the top secret Australian combat uniforms the first thing they did was to absorb the secret technology for themselves. The second thing they did was to equip every Australian combat uniform with some very special features, including eavesdropping and transmitting devices the size of a bureaucrat’s nostril hair, along with nanotechnology devices to cut through the seams when activated by remote control. This meant that every soldier wearing a Chinese manufactured uniform was a walking talking listening device, transmitting every word back to the Chinese. And when the time came, the enemy only had to push a button and the uniforms all fell apart, leaving all of our Privates completely exposed.

If you think this editorial comment is silly, I promise you it is not anywhere near as silly as the insane idea of outsourcing the supply of essential military equipment to a foreign power which at best has very different political values to our own, and at worst could conceivably one day be an adversary. We all hope and pray that such a thing would never happen, but one of the best ways to make sure that it never happens is to practice some common sense in preserving our own national security, in both the military and the economic sense. Exporting jobs along with sensitive intellectual property, especially that associated with military capability, sets a new standard of stupidity.